Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Women Have Returned To The Streets Of This Tiny New Zealand Village...

Up until a few days ago, there had been very few women on the street or in the supermarkets
or the cafes in the tiny North Island village of Warkworth, a beautiful little place nestled on the banks
of the Mahurangi River and unfortunately, not far enough north from the despised Jaffaland known as Dorkland.
Jacqui who doesn't want to be named and who owns one of the local hair salons
said they'd been busy creating shortened hair styles for those
with long hair as the women had awaited the arrival  of the nine year
old serial pony tail puller and Prime Minister, Johnny Key.
He recently had to apologise to a young waitress in a local Parnell cafe
he and his wife frequently visit for repeatedly pulling her hair on a
number of visits there.
His behaviour had initiated legal proceedings against him and
the sorry and embarrassing saga had been picked up by media world-wide.
He and his baby sitters were due to visit the village sometime soon.
Very soon and too soon.
He was due to open Warkworth's Annual Pin The Tail On The Donkey Games
but with all the horsing around he likes to do, it was feared he may well linger longer.
Some, fearing they would be targeted by the nimble fingered Ponytailphile,
left in specially commissioned and blacked out buses for secret locations
where they thought they'd be safe from the fingers of the little thrillseeker.
They'd left their husbands and families with
enough prepared food in the home freezers to last a few days should the
young juvenile stay longer than his scheduled visit.
Fortunately the little Jonkey has had an intensive course of therapy
and his inclination to pull women's hair has now been cut short.
You heard it here...


Wednesday, May 06, 2015

The New Zealand Government Closes All The Country's Roads...

The New Zealand Government has just approved a scheme by sixty votes to sixty one, to close all two lane roads throughout the country and turn them into one directional two lane roads in an effort to reduce the road toll caused by people, especially tourists, from driving on the wrong side of the road.
From sometime soon there will be no 'wrong side' so for the drunk, the dyslexic and the foreign driver, they will no longer be in the wong lane.
On Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays, all the country's roads will be used to go one way and on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays they will be used to drive the other way thus enabling those who went shopping on Wednesday to get home the next day.
Sunday will be now known as Mayhemday when all the roads are multicultural and multidirectional and the day all New Zealand Emergency Services will be taking a break from their onorous duties.
All roads on Mayhemday will be tolled and drivers will have the options of online payments.
There will be no facilities open for cash transactions.
All hospitals will be closed but Psychiatric Services will be on standby in most but not all of the major cities.
People needing any of these services should refer to the Yellow Pages.
You heard it here...


Monday, May 04, 2015

The Definition Of Satire By Wikipedia...

Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society.
A feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm in satire, irony is militant but parody, burlesque, exaggeration juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical speech and writing. This "militant" irony or sarcasm often professes to approve of (or at least accept as natural) the very things the satirist wishes to attack.
Satire is nowadays found in many artistic forms of expression, including literature, plays, commentary, television shows, blogs, newspapers, magazines and song lyrics.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Keith Levy Says His Mother Was A Wonderful Woman...

Keith says his mother was a wonderful woman. But he remembers her telling his father that if she'd known their son was going to turn out the way he did, she would have remained a virgin.
You heard it here...